The gift of mercy

We recently had a talk at church about spiritual gifts. We were encouraged to celebrate our diversity, to work together with our unique gifts given to us by God to build up the body of Christ. What was so freeing and affirming was hearing that all spiritual gifts are valuable, that we should not all be teachers and preachers or worship leaders, but those who are servants and administrators and gifted in hospitality are amazing and worth celebrating too. That we all need each other, and that we should all develop more fully into the gifts that God has given us as different individuals. We were encouraged to think about what gifts God has given us and work on practicing and developing them for the Kingdom.

I have been reflecting on all of this and realised that on a deeper level, I don't know what my gifts are. I know what my heart is and what my passions are, the kind of person I want to be and the mission I want to be about. But spiritual gifts? No idea.

Dave has been so good to me with his willingness to talk this all through. We had a little taster discussion yesterday, and he told me that he thinks I have the gift of mercy.

Now, I baulked at this. Mercy? I am one of the most unforgiving people I know! When I fall out with someone, it takes years for me to reconcile, if at all. I don't make peace. If someone hurts or wrongs me, I keep it inside me and hold it close, totally uninterested in being forgiving and merciful. I lash out and want to have a go. It is one of the things I want to change most about myself. One of my gifts can't be mercy.

Dave is adamant though that the gift of mercy in this sense isn't to do with forgiveness and peacemaking. Dave tells me that the gift of mercy is to do with being angry and hurt by the injustice and pain in the world, deeply feeling what God feels for the poor, suffering and oppressed. And if Dave's definition is the one intended in Paul's letters, then I think I do have the gift of mercy- though I didn't think of it as a gift, really.

I am still waiting for Dave to explain this more to me, but in the meantime, I have been thinking about God's heart for the poor. Dave said to me that the gift of mercy is in many ways a painful and difficult gift to have. While most people can hear of injustice and suffering and think it is wrong, they can move on and get on with their days fairly quickly and easily. But for people with the gift of mercy, this burns deeper. They feel the hurt of God's people, and carrying on as though nothing is wrong is harder. Impossible at times.

I agree with this. Sometimes I find it difficult not to be overwhelmed by the sadness in the world and the atrocities of which human beings are capable. A few months ago, one of the children at a project of ours was taken, beaten and brutally killed by gangs. I heard this at staff prayers and couldn't shake it. This boy, who had struggled so hard and become an amazing role model, resisting the threats of gangs and serving children in his position, so young and yet so brave. I tried to go on with my day. I said to a colleague, "It's hard to go on with our work when things like that can happen." She nodded and was quiet for a bit. She went back to her computer.

That boy stays with me. I have shed lots of tears for him and had so many fall outs with God over him and so many others like him. My questions were killing me. My pastor told me I had to lay them down. God feels the same pain that you feel. Fot every death and injustice you have mourned, He has been there first, weeping with you. My pastor is right.

This morning when I was on the train to London, reading about world developments on social media, something struck me hard. I do want to change the world. I believe that it is possible. I believe that there is something worth fighting for, a world where everyone is equally valued and celebrated, a world where no one has to worry about how they are going to survive. This is why I do the things I do, why I retweet and share articles and posts which inspire and sadden and anger me. Though more often than not, I feel overwhelmed and cynical, angry at humanity and critical of everything, unsure about God - I do want to change the world. This sense of injustice, God's heart for the suffering burning deep within me, can be my fuel for action. There is fire in me yet.

If this is the gift of mercy, I am ready for it to grow. I am ready for the pain to drive me to action. I am ready to fight.