My friend Graham found that sentence doodled in a Salvation Army band journal by his grandfather decades ago. I feel I have learned the meaning of it well this year.
I have often felt the walls close in and the weight of the chaos of life flooding me. I have felt that particularly this evening, staring into the abyss of the endless to do lists in the endless different areas of my life, floundering in the tension of the person I wish I were and the person I am.
I have become more and more aware of this tension in this stage of my life. A sinner called to holiness. Broken but saved by grace. Enslaved to all these things that drag me down, but freed by love. More and more I feel the pain and longing of doing the very things I hate. God sees only Christ in me but I cannot escape from it.
I have seen the absolute best and absolute worst in myself this year. Things I never thought existed. Feelings I never thought I would face. What kind of God can see and know all these things, better than I ever will, and still love me infinitely much. I don't understand it.
Kierkegaard believed that faith in God could only really come about through the struggle with and awareness of one's own vanity and sin. I feel I have come to the end of my tether in my struggles. God's arms are still open for me. His love, mercy, and forgiveness have never failed. His grace is unfathomably constant. I just can't understand it.
We live in this tension. Does anyone else feel it too? Sometimes it takes a miracle to stay the course and not pack it all in. To believe that you are free from all the crappy things you have done and felt. To choose God over everything inside that tells you you will never come to anything. To have faith that there is still good and love inside you to give. To have hope that things are going to be ok. That we will all make it through.
What kind of God would love us this much? We are so blessed.
Tuesday 30 March 2010
Monday 22 March 2010
Prescription or description?
A while ago, Dave and I had a chat about my big question in relation to the amazingness of Acts. Dave mentioned that there is quite a lot of debate among theologians about whether sections of the New Testament like Acts are prescriptive or descriptive. In other words, is the way that the gospel is preached and shared by the apostles something that we should emulate and follow (prescriptive), or is Acts merely a description of the way the apostles preached the gospel in those days (descriptive)?
I feel like this has been a massive issue in thinking about my big question. I have thought, read, and spoke to people about how we should share our faith but whenever I try and think about the way the apostles have done it I find myself wondering how that fits into our time and whether we need to be doing it the same way that they did.
Dave mentioned that there should always be three things that you consider when trying to figure out how to apply things in the Bible to life:
1. What does it say?
2. What is the immutable, unchanging, universal basis on which that statement is made? What is the truth that the statement is expressing, that is not limited to the cultural or historical context from which it came?
3. What is the outworking of that universal basis/truth today? How does it look?
I have just finished reading 'Chasing the Dragon' and marvel at how word and action are so integrated in Jackie Pullinger's experience of sharing her faith. I wonder, what would that kind of power look like in Shirehampton, in the circles in which I move, with my family, with my friends? Is there one way to do it - the way the apostles did it in Acts and the way Jackie Pullinger did it in Hong Kong? Or is there loads of ways that you can share your faith - in less in your face ways, like Jill Rowe and Jen mentioned?
Are there contexts in which explicit preaching is not appropriate or not really powerful, and in which we share our faith through actions and then wait for conversations to happen? I am finding myself more and more unconvinced of this, because when I look at the way Paul and Jackie Pullinger preached the gospel - and with such results and such effectiveness - I never find them shying away from speaking about the truths which we sometimes fear would make people feel too uncomfortable. They just came out and said it while serving people, spoke the truth just as it was. They did that while coming alongside people. But the way they spoke the gospel was powerful and passionate and hard hitting.
I wonder what that would look like, here and now. In the Academies in which we work, in the broken communities and people we serve. Would God's spirit and power move in them the same way that it did with the drug addicts and triads in Hong Kong, with the people that Paul preached to?
I think in our heads we have been accustomed to thinking: no, it wouldn't. People wouldn't respond to it. That's over simplistic and too in your face, too exclusive, too conservative, too out there.
But what if that's all not true? What if God is just waiting for people who can share the gospel with actions and words, with true power, with no fear? With love that cuts deep into the hearts of people who are broken and weak and yearning for Him?
What if we are just making excuses because we're scared and we don't know how to share our faith?
I feel like this has been a massive issue in thinking about my big question. I have thought, read, and spoke to people about how we should share our faith but whenever I try and think about the way the apostles have done it I find myself wondering how that fits into our time and whether we need to be doing it the same way that they did.
Dave mentioned that there should always be three things that you consider when trying to figure out how to apply things in the Bible to life:
1. What does it say?
2. What is the immutable, unchanging, universal basis on which that statement is made? What is the truth that the statement is expressing, that is not limited to the cultural or historical context from which it came?
3. What is the outworking of that universal basis/truth today? How does it look?
I have just finished reading 'Chasing the Dragon' and marvel at how word and action are so integrated in Jackie Pullinger's experience of sharing her faith. I wonder, what would that kind of power look like in Shirehampton, in the circles in which I move, with my family, with my friends? Is there one way to do it - the way the apostles did it in Acts and the way Jackie Pullinger did it in Hong Kong? Or is there loads of ways that you can share your faith - in less in your face ways, like Jill Rowe and Jen mentioned?
Are there contexts in which explicit preaching is not appropriate or not really powerful, and in which we share our faith through actions and then wait for conversations to happen? I am finding myself more and more unconvinced of this, because when I look at the way Paul and Jackie Pullinger preached the gospel - and with such results and such effectiveness - I never find them shying away from speaking about the truths which we sometimes fear would make people feel too uncomfortable. They just came out and said it while serving people, spoke the truth just as it was. They did that while coming alongside people. But the way they spoke the gospel was powerful and passionate and hard hitting.
I wonder what that would look like, here and now. In the Academies in which we work, in the broken communities and people we serve. Would God's spirit and power move in them the same way that it did with the drug addicts and triads in Hong Kong, with the people that Paul preached to?
I think in our heads we have been accustomed to thinking: no, it wouldn't. People wouldn't respond to it. That's over simplistic and too in your face, too exclusive, too conservative, too out there.
But what if that's all not true? What if God is just waiting for people who can share the gospel with actions and words, with true power, with no fear? With love that cuts deep into the hearts of people who are broken and weak and yearning for Him?
What if we are just making excuses because we're scared and we don't know how to share our faith?
Wednesday 17 March 2010
Coming alongside
It's been a while since I last blogged - life has been really chaotic and busy lately and I have once again found myself spread over 3 places at once, not being completely there, apologies! So back to my big question now, and my recent reflections on it..
I have had several really interesting conversations with people lately which have flowed into the subject of their experience of what the most effective and powerful times of sharing their faith have been. Just had a great chat this morning with lovely Jen, and on Monday we threesixtys had coffee with the legendary Jill Rowe - both times got me thinking about coming alongside people as a really powerful sharing of the gospel.
I asked Jill Rowe what her experience of sharing her faith has been, the ways in which she has been able to do it and that have struck people the most. She says that sharing her faith has always taken place in the context of coming alongside people on their journey of life. She said that in the course of loving people unconditionally and being there for them, and serving, she would never shy away from talking about her faith when asked about it, but that there was always a phase where the questions would start changing - they would become not just quick questions about what you believe but about how it made a difference, how did it feel to have faith, how would it be for things to be like that, etc. In other words, she said that there was always a stage where the questions became seeking questions, when the other person became interested in the faith that she was sharing. And she said that was the big opening for more sharing to occur.
Relatedly, Jen talked about coming alongside people in the context of serving. Our community is trying to get people of all faiths or none to join us in serving those in need, but in the process of coming alongside each other in the unified purpose of serving the needy, we should be continually talking about and sharing our faith and our motivation for serving. So, serving/good works are not themselves all we do to share the gospel, because it is not only Christians that feel passionate about social justice etc. But as we join together with those who do not share our faith, serving them and serving with them, we come alongside them and build relationships where we can talk about and share the gospel that we believe.
I am genuinely interested in how this occurs, because I have many friends and family members that I love dearly who are not Christian and who have known me for so long that for some reason I don't really know what the appropriate way is to share my faith, how to speak about it. None of them have really reached that second phase of questions that Jill Rowe spoke about, where the questions are seeking questions. Not many of them have really joined with me in the vision of serving others, though they may be ideologically pro social action and the world becoming a better place.
Jill Rowe mentioned that you just have to be patient, and know that it really does make a difference. That coming alongside people and loving them unconditionally, showing them a way to live that is serving, merciful, gracious, is actually very powerful. And never to be ashamed to speak about your faith when the openings come and the conversations arise. All in the context of journeying with people.
I don't really know what to think of all of it, or how it fits into any of our lives, especially mine. I know that sharing the gospel is a holistic thing, that you can't have one without the other, words without actions or actions without words. I know that you can't preach the gospel to someone without loving them unconditionally - that's a contradiction in terms. Maybe then there is no chronology for these things; that it can't be a case of living the lifestyle and then waiting to preach the gospel, or preaching the gospel first and foremost before building a relationship. Maybe it's all in one and that's why it's messy and it is a big question and there are no clear answers. Because we are human and imperfect and we never get it right. Because there's no model of how to do it right, and it's just this huge ball of being that is different in different times and with different people, one unified thing that we struggle with because it encompasses all aspects of one's life.
Thank God that He is bigger than all our inabilities to understand!
I have had several really interesting conversations with people lately which have flowed into the subject of their experience of what the most effective and powerful times of sharing their faith have been. Just had a great chat this morning with lovely Jen, and on Monday we threesixtys had coffee with the legendary Jill Rowe - both times got me thinking about coming alongside people as a really powerful sharing of the gospel.
I asked Jill Rowe what her experience of sharing her faith has been, the ways in which she has been able to do it and that have struck people the most. She says that sharing her faith has always taken place in the context of coming alongside people on their journey of life. She said that in the course of loving people unconditionally and being there for them, and serving, she would never shy away from talking about her faith when asked about it, but that there was always a phase where the questions would start changing - they would become not just quick questions about what you believe but about how it made a difference, how did it feel to have faith, how would it be for things to be like that, etc. In other words, she said that there was always a stage where the questions became seeking questions, when the other person became interested in the faith that she was sharing. And she said that was the big opening for more sharing to occur.
Relatedly, Jen talked about coming alongside people in the context of serving. Our community is trying to get people of all faiths or none to join us in serving those in need, but in the process of coming alongside each other in the unified purpose of serving the needy, we should be continually talking about and sharing our faith and our motivation for serving. So, serving/good works are not themselves all we do to share the gospel, because it is not only Christians that feel passionate about social justice etc. But as we join together with those who do not share our faith, serving them and serving with them, we come alongside them and build relationships where we can talk about and share the gospel that we believe.
I am genuinely interested in how this occurs, because I have many friends and family members that I love dearly who are not Christian and who have known me for so long that for some reason I don't really know what the appropriate way is to share my faith, how to speak about it. None of them have really reached that second phase of questions that Jill Rowe spoke about, where the questions are seeking questions. Not many of them have really joined with me in the vision of serving others, though they may be ideologically pro social action and the world becoming a better place.
Jill Rowe mentioned that you just have to be patient, and know that it really does make a difference. That coming alongside people and loving them unconditionally, showing them a way to live that is serving, merciful, gracious, is actually very powerful. And never to be ashamed to speak about your faith when the openings come and the conversations arise. All in the context of journeying with people.
I don't really know what to think of all of it, or how it fits into any of our lives, especially mine. I know that sharing the gospel is a holistic thing, that you can't have one without the other, words without actions or actions without words. I know that you can't preach the gospel to someone without loving them unconditionally - that's a contradiction in terms. Maybe then there is no chronology for these things; that it can't be a case of living the lifestyle and then waiting to preach the gospel, or preaching the gospel first and foremost before building a relationship. Maybe it's all in one and that's why it's messy and it is a big question and there are no clear answers. Because we are human and imperfect and we never get it right. Because there's no model of how to do it right, and it's just this huge ball of being that is different in different times and with different people, one unified thing that we struggle with because it encompasses all aspects of one's life.
Thank God that He is bigger than all our inabilities to understand!
Monday 1 March 2010
God is bigger than we think
Spent the weekend stewarding at the Faithworks conference - an exhausting but enjoyable experience. It was really nice to spend time with people and enjoy the Oasis staff - I am always so impressed by how nice, warm, and friendly they are! Got to sit in on a couple of sessions - heard Brian McLaren and Jeff Lucas speak, which was interesting.
I've just been thinking on and off - in this gap year, and in this movement/Christian circle, we are really encouraged to grapple and to question. For as long as I can remember I have been a fan of grappling and questioning, and have always encouraged and stood by that as well. But I have recently just felt tired in it - I am actually tired of constantly thinking and analyzing, of questioning, of grappling. It is really tiring! I can't help it and it comes naturally to me, but there are times when it does get a bit much.
I am pretty tired of being confused and in my mind constantly being on the guard and being questioning of things that people say about God and Christianity and the church. I know that this way is better and I don't want to mindlessly absorb what someone else tells me, believing it just because they said it passionately. But in all honesty it really is draining, and it is tiring being so genuinely confused all the time. I have been telling God lately, sometimes I just want some rest from it, and I am so grateful that in God there is no confusion and He has all the answers, that He is there in all of it but not part of this sense of fractured uncertainty.
I have heard and read several things in the broad movement in which Faithworks belongs and I have found myself thinking about how limited our human perception is. What I mean is that God is big, and He is so much bigger than what we imagine Him to be. He is bigger than a moral example and a force against injustice and a saviour to the marginalized and needy. He is bigger than theology and the Bible and cultural conceptions of salvation and liberation and freedom. He is bigger than any of that. He is all of that but infinitely more.
Sometimes I worry about the way that some people talk and write about God, that they may be reducing God to human proportions - making Jesus all about politics or all about the Bible or all about two ways to live or all about community action or all about subverting social standards, when in reality He is all of those things and more, and we need to make sure that we are not simply reacting against one form of misbalance by replacing it with another. I have gotten a bit fed up of reductionist portrayals of God and Jesus and the Bible and Christianity. I yearn for a truly holistic approach and I yearn for a true truth and a true balance.
But the truth is that God is bigger than anything we can ever imagine or understand, and we will always be stuck in this quandary of human limitations. And so we grapple, and we will never be able to understand the complete truth. So rightly or unrightly, I am always a bit skeptical when someone puts forward their interpretation or views about a theme or passage or event in the Bible and doesn't disclaim it with uncertainty about whether their view is correct, whatever view that is, whether it is labelled conservative or liberal or whatever else, because I don't think that just because someone says it, we have to accept it as true. I think there are people in this movement in which I now find myself who would advocate this approach of grappling and questioning and searching, but there is sometimes something missing in the way that they deliver their views and interpretation to make that approach a reality. They speak as though what they say is truth, indispensable, assumed. But there are people who don't agree.
I believe that God is bigger than any reductionist interpretation of His nature and His message. And reductionist interpretations of God and the gospel are all over the show. So if you are reading this I want to say to you - keep your eyes and ears open. Do not passively accept what people say to you. Be aware of when people are fitting God into a box of their own interpretation, even if they say they aren't. And most people who do this will say they aren't. Always question, turn it over in your mind, even if it's hard and you feel it will drive you insane. Because it's worth it. I am tired from doing it but I really believe it is worth it. I believe you get closer to the truth the more you examine it and struggle with it and search for it.
I believe that God is big enough to speak to everyone - the theologians, the politicians, the beggars and homeless, the young people, the middle class businessmen, the children, the teenage mothers, those who are rich and those who are poor and those who are reflective and those who are activist, everyone from every race and cultural and creed and place in life and time. The gospel of God is not confined to the lost and marginalized and poor people, nor is it confined to the privileged and rich and elite classes of society. It is not confined to anyone. It is for everyone. And this is why I find it hard to accept any doctrine that boils the gospel down to one thing, one category and one type of person, one mission and one command, reducing the message of Jesus to one call - to preach the gospel, or to teach the Bible, or to serve the poor, or to work for social justice, and so on. Because I believe that the gospel is so much bigger than one thing, and it is not doing God justice to hold one thing up and insist that it explains everything about who He is and what His will is. It is a very human thing to do, and we all do it in our finitude and subjectivity and passion. But I don't think we should. I think it is dangerous and in the end doesn't really get us anywhere.
That's why I love S.M. Lockridge's speech "That's My King" so much. With amazing poetic power he goes on about all the things God is - the sinner's saviour, the loftiest idea in literature, the fundamental doctrine of true theology, deliverer of captives, wellspring of wisdom, he just goes on and on... And I just love it, because God is all these amazing things, but still S.M. Lockridge gets to a point where he stops and says, "I wish I could describe Him to you, but He's indescribable, He's incomprehensible, He's invincible, He's irresistible."
We need to remember the greatness of God in His manifold and infinite wisdom, how much bigger He is than we are, how all-encompassing the gospel is. And we must remember that it is not just about one thing - it is about everything.
I've just been thinking on and off - in this gap year, and in this movement/Christian circle, we are really encouraged to grapple and to question. For as long as I can remember I have been a fan of grappling and questioning, and have always encouraged and stood by that as well. But I have recently just felt tired in it - I am actually tired of constantly thinking and analyzing, of questioning, of grappling. It is really tiring! I can't help it and it comes naturally to me, but there are times when it does get a bit much.
I am pretty tired of being confused and in my mind constantly being on the guard and being questioning of things that people say about God and Christianity and the church. I know that this way is better and I don't want to mindlessly absorb what someone else tells me, believing it just because they said it passionately. But in all honesty it really is draining, and it is tiring being so genuinely confused all the time. I have been telling God lately, sometimes I just want some rest from it, and I am so grateful that in God there is no confusion and He has all the answers, that He is there in all of it but not part of this sense of fractured uncertainty.
I have heard and read several things in the broad movement in which Faithworks belongs and I have found myself thinking about how limited our human perception is. What I mean is that God is big, and He is so much bigger than what we imagine Him to be. He is bigger than a moral example and a force against injustice and a saviour to the marginalized and needy. He is bigger than theology and the Bible and cultural conceptions of salvation and liberation and freedom. He is bigger than any of that. He is all of that but infinitely more.
Sometimes I worry about the way that some people talk and write about God, that they may be reducing God to human proportions - making Jesus all about politics or all about the Bible or all about two ways to live or all about community action or all about subverting social standards, when in reality He is all of those things and more, and we need to make sure that we are not simply reacting against one form of misbalance by replacing it with another. I have gotten a bit fed up of reductionist portrayals of God and Jesus and the Bible and Christianity. I yearn for a truly holistic approach and I yearn for a true truth and a true balance.
But the truth is that God is bigger than anything we can ever imagine or understand, and we will always be stuck in this quandary of human limitations. And so we grapple, and we will never be able to understand the complete truth. So rightly or unrightly, I am always a bit skeptical when someone puts forward their interpretation or views about a theme or passage or event in the Bible and doesn't disclaim it with uncertainty about whether their view is correct, whatever view that is, whether it is labelled conservative or liberal or whatever else, because I don't think that just because someone says it, we have to accept it as true. I think there are people in this movement in which I now find myself who would advocate this approach of grappling and questioning and searching, but there is sometimes something missing in the way that they deliver their views and interpretation to make that approach a reality. They speak as though what they say is truth, indispensable, assumed. But there are people who don't agree.
I believe that God is bigger than any reductionist interpretation of His nature and His message. And reductionist interpretations of God and the gospel are all over the show. So if you are reading this I want to say to you - keep your eyes and ears open. Do not passively accept what people say to you. Be aware of when people are fitting God into a box of their own interpretation, even if they say they aren't. And most people who do this will say they aren't. Always question, turn it over in your mind, even if it's hard and you feel it will drive you insane. Because it's worth it. I am tired from doing it but I really believe it is worth it. I believe you get closer to the truth the more you examine it and struggle with it and search for it.
I believe that God is big enough to speak to everyone - the theologians, the politicians, the beggars and homeless, the young people, the middle class businessmen, the children, the teenage mothers, those who are rich and those who are poor and those who are reflective and those who are activist, everyone from every race and cultural and creed and place in life and time. The gospel of God is not confined to the lost and marginalized and poor people, nor is it confined to the privileged and rich and elite classes of society. It is not confined to anyone. It is for everyone. And this is why I find it hard to accept any doctrine that boils the gospel down to one thing, one category and one type of person, one mission and one command, reducing the message of Jesus to one call - to preach the gospel, or to teach the Bible, or to serve the poor, or to work for social justice, and so on. Because I believe that the gospel is so much bigger than one thing, and it is not doing God justice to hold one thing up and insist that it explains everything about who He is and what His will is. It is a very human thing to do, and we all do it in our finitude and subjectivity and passion. But I don't think we should. I think it is dangerous and in the end doesn't really get us anywhere.
That's why I love S.M. Lockridge's speech "That's My King" so much. With amazing poetic power he goes on about all the things God is - the sinner's saviour, the loftiest idea in literature, the fundamental doctrine of true theology, deliverer of captives, wellspring of wisdom, he just goes on and on... And I just love it, because God is all these amazing things, but still S.M. Lockridge gets to a point where he stops and says, "I wish I could describe Him to you, but He's indescribable, He's incomprehensible, He's invincible, He's irresistible."
We need to remember the greatness of God in His manifold and infinite wisdom, how much bigger He is than we are, how all-encompassing the gospel is. And we must remember that it is not just about one thing - it is about everything.
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