Interview

I have an interview for an internship with Toybox next Thursday and I am starting to feel a little unsettled. In truth I don't feel as though I have really let the whole thing settle in fully. I wonder whether this feeling is quite typical amongst people who have been out of work for a significant period of time. It is hard to maintain the focus and motivation, it has been hard for me to leap out of the mindset of being a slob with few engagements and responsibilities beyond the movements of mundane everyday life. And now it is real; I have an actual interview, where they will assess my suitability and capability, and judge me accordingly. I may have my hopes dashed or my disappointments reinforced. I have to admit I am starting to feel a little bit scared.

I think I know the peace of God in a way that I didn't the last time I interviewed for a job. I know now that things can hit rock bottom in a very real sense of the word, so whatever happens, I will get through it and everything really will be alright. I trust God. It is strange how we can have this trust and still feel this kind of fear, where our successes and failures can throw us in our core. It is strange how even though I know it is not about me, these things do affect me.

My stakes in this are not high, but whenever I get myself invested in something, I become afraid. I fear that the joy and anticipation of hope will become the bitter hurt of disillusionment, that I will have set myself up for a bit of a fall. I feel ill-equipped and inadequate sometimes when I look at the job description. I am unsure what to expect. I know things will work out if they are meant to - how else have I ended up here but for the grace and provision of God? - but I know the truth is that I could end up being rejected, and then all the statements and provisional plans we will have made about me going back into employment will be shown to be empty.

I suppose this is the difficulty of putting yourself out there, hoping you will get something in return.

I have to remind myself that if I didn't get this internship, it would just mean nothing had changed, that life would just go on as it already did. Which wouldn't be that bad, right? (There's always Skyrim!) From that perspective, I don't really have anything to lose.

It just sometimes feels like there is, that's all.