There is a great comfort in the knowledge that God knows us all. God knows how many hairs are on our head. Before we think a thought, He knows it completely. To quote Sufjan Stevens, he wears our shoes. I have learned that God knows my heart, better than I ever will. Sometimes I have to throw my hands in the air and rest in the knowledge that He understands me when I am knocking my head against the wall in frustration at how little I understand my own ways. He knows me. He is my closest friend.
When I was growing up and all the turmoil in me was taking its reign, I didn't understand what people meant when they told me that God was using all this to make me stronger, that I would learn from everything that happened and it would make me better, because in God's strength I would get through it. When I look back now, I see that it was because I never really got through any of it. All the wounds from the past were still there, in a different form maybe, less gaping and less raw, but still there. It only took circumstance and events to topple me over again to go through the same pain over and over again. It wasn't a wonder that I couldn't understand the point of going through the motions only to repeat the same cycles. Perseverance doesn't come easy when you don't have much hope in what you're striving for.
Funny how God's timing works. I honestly don't understand how I got through it. In the past 6 months I feel that I have had every layer of my life and identity stripped away. Then somewhere along the way, quite remarkably and randomly, peace and contentment came. It was like a veil lifted and I felt more myself, more content, than I had ever felt in my 23 years of living. I honestly don't know what it was that made the change.
And there it is. God came through for me. Every promise that He made came through, seemingly randomly but in His timing, when my experiences had brought me to the point that He deemed most appropriate. And now I think I can understand why. I am young, and there is much to learn in life that only comes with time. And trusting in God is a hard concept to really grasp until everything that you take for granted (and don't realize that you have) is taken away.
I realize now that I do love God, and above all other things, I want to be more like Jesus. I feel like I couldn't have said this at other points in my life. I don't think I realized that I was following Him for the wrong reasons.
It is a great comfort to know that He understands it all.
In the end, what are we really except tiny, finite human beings, conditioned and pulled to and fro by all sorts of influences, some that we see, some what we have no idea of? We don't know what we do; we do the things we hate. We think we make choices, we cling to the certainty of our opinions. But what do we know about ourselves really? We are so small. We are dust.
I feel humble in the presence of God, small and yet precious. We are wretched and we are beautiful, says Shane Claiborne. I feel like God has allowed me to grasp this, and to see this more in other people too; He has opened my eyes to experience His love so that I can try harder to love others like He does. Perhaps there is nothing that drives one more to compassion and forgiveness than the knowledge that you are no different from your enemy, and yet you are freed by love. The knowledge that we are all beggars.
I still have questions and doubts. I always will. I wait at at the heels of a God who is a revolutionary mystery, the eternal question mark, the great unknown. I am angry and broken, just like the next person. God says, I will be who I will be.
I am very grateful to God for the journey, and for His patience while I am on it.
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