What are we fighting for?

I don't know if it is just me, or if it is something that many or most people feel at some point or another in their lives. Sometimes when the challenges come like floods, and the difficulties of putting one foot in front of the other are too much to grasp, when the gap between the ideal and the reality seems insurmountable and pointless, then the question hangs like silence - What exactly are we fighting for?

Maybe it is because I have found hope a hard thing to hang on to lately, in the flurry of life and discouragement and confusion and uncertainty, of conflict and tension and grappling with grace and God. Maybe it is 'cause of these things that I ask the question, and try to figure out what it is that we are hoping for. What it is that is the hope that is supposed to be keeping me carrying on.

Our hope is for a kingdom made not by hands, not by our efforts and rewards and merits. We hope for the coming of the King, whose ministry is one that turns the tables and puts out the flame of power for mercy and suffering grace. Our hope is in the One who sees you and me and every single one of us just as we are, and loves us with a love so strong that no waters can quench it and no amount of darkness or evil can bring it to the end of its rope. We hope for the One in whom the end is just the beginning.

When He comes it will all be alright again, it will all be new again, and everything that was lost and damaged and scarred and hurt will be reclaimed and washed over by the white snow of His all-knowing wisdom and healing.

This hope that we have is not just for the cosmos, the universe, the world as a whole and the universal community of humanity. This hope is the life of each and every one of us, the individuals that make up the community, because God sees you and me and His vision cuts deep into the recesses of our being with a knowing that knows us like the back of His hand. And in this hope we believe that there will be a time beyond time when all our hopes and fears and dreams and desires will be fulfilled, and that the world we live in will be one of peace in ourselves, with each other, with God, with the new earth and the new heaven.

This hope is meant to burn in my being, deep in my soul, to set me alight with the fire of the Spirit that sears me to His glorious touch. But right now it feels far away, and I find myself in this place, desperately asking the question.

I pray for all of you that it would be our greatest and ultimate hope.

3 months

3 months til the big day, and I find myself here in this place, tired. Long distance is a sucker, everyone knows that. I find myself drained. Spent a weekend and bank holiday Monday with Dave, and was hit really hard again on the train journey back to Bristol. I really miss my fiance. And long distance really does suck.

We have a lot lined up for us in our separate lives these next three months, but I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually willing for them to be over in the blink of an eye. I am sure every couple feels this when they are in the engagement limbo, but truth be told it really is indescribably rubbish being apart and having to juggle the stresses of life and preparation for marriage when it is difficult negotiating time to spend quality time together. There are things that have been good for us to learn - communication, appreciating time together, developing as individuals as well as a couple, etc. But I feel that at this juncture in our relationship and engagement, all we want - need?- to do is be together. We miss each other so much. It really sucks.

Ah, a blogpost whiny and negative as ever. I apologise. I am just tired, and just thinking of the weekends lined up and things I have to do drains me. I am running 10k on Sunday and have literally no idea how I am going to get out of it alive (my training has been lax and I really am not an athletic person). And generally the days can feel empty when your heart is somewhere else. Life can feel such a downer sometimes.

There. A bit (or rather a lot) of honesty for my illusory readers out there. If you are reading this, I am sorry! Go after this and do something that will make you feel good...