"And this is the simple truth - that to live is to feel oneself lost. He who accepts it has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look around for something to which to cling, and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere, because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas; the ideas of the shipwrecked. All the rest is rhetoric, posturing, farce." (Soren Kierkegaard)
For the past few days, I have been overwhelmed by a feeling of emptiness. It has been intangible, impossible to put into words. It has been like a shadow hanging over me. Strange that nothingness can have such a domineering presence. It is hard to blog about it now.
Nothing in particular has happened. I have not been ill, or depressed, or in pain. Life is going at a steady pace, rolling by with the every day. There have been no particular tragedies or drama. Things have been ordinary.
Kierkegaard famously said, "The biggest danger, that of losing oneself, can pass off in the world as quietly as if it were nothing." I have been thinking about Kierkegaard. The poet of emptiness.
It is possible to live life unanchored. Drifting. To go along with the current without stopping to think. It is possible to lack connection to anything. To people, to nature, to God. To be empty inside, without thinking of how to fill yourself up. To be incomplete, and to feel it.
Now and then I find myself in this place.
A dear friend of mine came to visit yesterday. In talking to her I realised that for longer than I can remember, I have lacked that sense of connection that allowed me to say: I feel nothing. I feel empty. I feel far from people and far from God. I feel unanchored inside. I feel bored. I said these things to her yesterday. In doing this I realised things I had been insulated from in the vaccum.
The truth is, I lose connection now and then. It is a lonely place to be. It is a place that keeps you alone.
I live a middle-class life. I have a husband, a job, a dog. I love them all. I live in a house that I am happy in. We pursue stability and we have found it. We have friends and a social life. I have hobbies and I engage in them.
I have been looking around and inside myself these past few days. I have been thinking: This is it.
Is this it?
I know what the emptiness inside my soul points to. This isn't it. This can't be it.
"To live is to feel oneself lost," Kierkegaard said. To feel lost is to seek after the One in whom we are found. Without this awareness, we are nothing. We float along the tides of life, seeking the things we think we lack. We look for a house, a car, a job, a salary. We look for comfortable friendships and comfortable relationships. We lose ourselves because we lose what it means to be in debt and in ransom. To be saved by our Maker. To be married to Christ.
As St Augustine put it, "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you."
I know these things are true. But what to do with the knowledge? This is the human condition. We know what to do and yet cannot do it. We realise we are wrong yet cannot save ourselves.
In the vacuum it is hard to reach after Him. It is hard to feel anything or do anything at all.
All I can do is pray for God to help me. And I know He will.
