A few days ago, I had one of the best days of my life. In the space of 3 hours, I passed my driving test, replaced my dead laptop with a brand new Mac (and complimentary promotional iPod touch), and got offered the job that I had applied and interviewed for (as a healthcare assistant in a young people's psychiatric unit)!
I was pretty overwhelmed by all this good news, and didn't quite know how to react to it all! I couldn't remember the last time I had been bowled over by such generous, abundant blessing. Pretty amazing. I felt very grateful and lucky.
It has got me thinking about cycles. It is hard to break out of cycles, habits, assumptions you build over your whole life. People who work with vulnerable populations, the 'down and out', are trained in this issue well, and 'breaking cycles' is spoken of again and again. But I think it is true of most people as well.
My default thinking pattern and expectation is to be negative. I expect bad news, or little good news, I think, most of my days. I expect to fail at things, I expect disappointment and hardship and struggle. Sometimes I don't really know where these expectations come from - I have lived a privileged life and am very lucky in the worldly sense. Dave pointed out that I have passed and got everything that I have applied for in my life thus far, and I realized that factually, he is right. Yet in my head and heart I spend so much mental and emotional energy worrying about and expecting failure. And I don't quite know how to react to the good things, or how to hang onto them and gain strength and energy. I struggle to break the cycle.
When people speak about blessing and gratitude in a spiritual sense, I have these past few years gained quite a Kierkgaardian perspective on it all. I've never quite believed in hanging on to God's blessings in the sense of good things that he gives and good things that happen, and praising his name and goodness on account of those things. Because I know that they can so easily be taken away, or bad things can happen, and if you stake the notion of God's blessings and goodness on good things and events, then it becomes frail and dependent on those things, and will surely crumble in times of trouble. In my head my default is to try and understand God's goodness in a very Job-like fashion; that he is good no matter what happens, and we must praise him whether he gives or takes away.
But at this juncture I am learning about blessings, about the good things as well as well as the bad (or neutral). That God is the author and source of those things too, and it is ok to thank and praise him for those things, all the while not becoming dependent on them for one's understanding of God's unchanging nature.
So I praise God, and thank him for everything he has done.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Monday, 21 June 2010
'When I am afraid, I will trust in you'
Reading Scripture at this time of uncertainty, realizing that the psalmists proclaim trust and hope in God like battle cries.
Trusting and hoping in God are active states. They are declared, like punches that grab at the reality that God wants us to live in. They are a running against the current, against the very real despair and worries in which the psalmists live.
Very much like we may live in now. For those of us who don't live under the relentless opposition of kingdoms wanting to kill us, we may live with the stress and strain of the future or our own inner demons tearing us apart. At this juncture, where many of us look into the future and all there is a blank, an open space of trembling uncertainty and lack of security, we must trust and hope in God.
What does that mean?
Life changes, people change, but God never changes. He is good, and trustworthy, and faithful, all the time. He has always been who He is, and always will be.
So we who live here in this strange land, in this strange place in time, we proclaim hope and trust in Him like battle cries. When everything in us and around us feels like all that we have is out of control and there's no way out of it. We remember that God is still God. We remember things like Psalm 56, and all they mean. We remember that we must fight to trust, hope, and have faith in the God of inconceivable goodness and power of whom our whole lives are praise.
And we say, Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Trusting and hoping in God are active states. They are declared, like punches that grab at the reality that God wants us to live in. They are a running against the current, against the very real despair and worries in which the psalmists live.
Very much like we may live in now. For those of us who don't live under the relentless opposition of kingdoms wanting to kill us, we may live with the stress and strain of the future or our own inner demons tearing us apart. At this juncture, where many of us look into the future and all there is a blank, an open space of trembling uncertainty and lack of security, we must trust and hope in God.
What does that mean?
Life changes, people change, but God never changes. He is good, and trustworthy, and faithful, all the time. He has always been who He is, and always will be.
So we who live here in this strange land, in this strange place in time, we proclaim hope and trust in Him like battle cries. When everything in us and around us feels like all that we have is out of control and there's no way out of it. We remember that God is still God. We remember things like Psalm 56, and all they mean. We remember that we must fight to trust, hope, and have faith in the God of inconceivable goodness and power of whom our whole lives are praise.
And we say, Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Friday, 18 June 2010
Job 1:20-21
Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshipped. And he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."
Thursday, 3 June 2010
'And the bride will run to her lover's arms...'
"The Bible tells many stories of human marriages...But above these stories the Bible tells a bigger story, the story of a marriage which includes within itself the whole history and future of the human race. It is the story of God the Lover, the Bridegroom, the Husband, and his people his Beloved, his Bride, and in the end his Wife. It is the story that John the Baptist had in mind when he spoke of Jesus as the 'Bridegroom' (John 3:25-30), and the story that Jesus himself accepted when he spoke of himself as the 'Bridegroom' (eg. Mt 9:14-15). It is the story Paul referred to when he spoke of the church being 'engaged' to Jesus Christ like a pure virgin (2 Cor 11:2).
It is the story that John speaks of in the visionary imagery of Revelation 19 and 21... At the climax of human history John hears the announcement, 'The marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready' (Rev 19:7). The Lamb, the Lord Jesus Christ himself, is to be married at last. His Bride is his people, every believer of all time, corporately to be joined to him forever in a union of unmixed delight and intimacy. This is a time of joy and amazement. And then, in Revelation 21, John sees the heavenly Jerusalem, that is, the whole new heavens and new earth, the restored and redeemed created order, coming down out of heaven as a city, but not only a city, also a bride...'the bride, the wife of the Lamb' (Rev 21:2,9). All of the people of God in the new heavens and new earth are the bride of Jesus Christ. That is to say, he loves them passionately, and they love him with an answering love.
And in that new age their love will be consummated with an intimacy and enduring delight that the best human marriage can only begin faintly to echo... This is an amazing and beautiful prospect: a time when all the deepest yearnings and longings of the human heart will be fulfilled. And it is open to all who will come in repentance and faith to Jesus Christ in this age. The invitation is open."
- Christopher Ash, 'Married for God'
It is the story that John speaks of in the visionary imagery of Revelation 19 and 21... At the climax of human history John hears the announcement, 'The marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready' (Rev 19:7). The Lamb, the Lord Jesus Christ himself, is to be married at last. His Bride is his people, every believer of all time, corporately to be joined to him forever in a union of unmixed delight and intimacy. This is a time of joy and amazement. And then, in Revelation 21, John sees the heavenly Jerusalem, that is, the whole new heavens and new earth, the restored and redeemed created order, coming down out of heaven as a city, but not only a city, also a bride...'the bride, the wife of the Lamb' (Rev 21:2,9). All of the people of God in the new heavens and new earth are the bride of Jesus Christ. That is to say, he loves them passionately, and they love him with an answering love.
And in that new age their love will be consummated with an intimacy and enduring delight that the best human marriage can only begin faintly to echo... This is an amazing and beautiful prospect: a time when all the deepest yearnings and longings of the human heart will be fulfilled. And it is open to all who will come in repentance and faith to Jesus Christ in this age. The invitation is open."
- Christopher Ash, 'Married for God'
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
What are we fighting for?
I don't know if it is just me, or if it is something that many or most people feel at some point or another in their lives. Sometimes when the challenges come like floods, and the difficulties of putting one foot in front of the other are too much to grasp, when the gap between the ideal and the reality seems insurmountable and pointless, then the question hangs like silence - What exactly are we fighting for?
Maybe it is because I have found hope a hard thing to hang on to lately, in the flurry of life and discouragement and confusion and uncertainty, of conflict and tension and grappling with grace and God. Maybe it is 'cause of these things that I ask the question, and try to figure out what it is that we are hoping for. What it is that is the hope that is supposed to be keeping me carrying on.
Our hope is for a kingdom made not by hands, not by our efforts and rewards and merits. We hope for the coming of the King, whose ministry is one that turns the tables and puts out the flame of power for mercy and suffering grace. Our hope is in the One who sees you and me and every single one of us just as we are, and loves us with a love so strong that no waters can quench it and no amount of darkness or evil can bring it to the end of its rope. We hope for the One in whom the end is just the beginning.
When He comes it will all be alright again, it will all be new again, and everything that was lost and damaged and scarred and hurt will be reclaimed and washed over by the white snow of His all-knowing wisdom and healing.
This hope that we have is not just for the cosmos, the universe, the world as a whole and the universal community of humanity. This hope is the life of each and every one of us, the individuals that make up the community, because God sees you and me and His vision cuts deep into the recesses of our being with a knowing that knows us like the back of His hand. And in this hope we believe that there will be a time beyond time when all our hopes and fears and dreams and desires will be fulfilled, and that the world we live in will be one of peace in ourselves, with each other, with God, with the new earth and the new heaven.
This hope is meant to burn in my being, deep in my soul, to set me alight with the fire of the Spirit that sears me to His glorious touch. But right now it feels far away, and I find myself in this place, desperately asking the question.
I pray for all of you that it would be our greatest and ultimate hope.
Maybe it is because I have found hope a hard thing to hang on to lately, in the flurry of life and discouragement and confusion and uncertainty, of conflict and tension and grappling with grace and God. Maybe it is 'cause of these things that I ask the question, and try to figure out what it is that we are hoping for. What it is that is the hope that is supposed to be keeping me carrying on.
Our hope is for a kingdom made not by hands, not by our efforts and rewards and merits. We hope for the coming of the King, whose ministry is one that turns the tables and puts out the flame of power for mercy and suffering grace. Our hope is in the One who sees you and me and every single one of us just as we are, and loves us with a love so strong that no waters can quench it and no amount of darkness or evil can bring it to the end of its rope. We hope for the One in whom the end is just the beginning.
When He comes it will all be alright again, it will all be new again, and everything that was lost and damaged and scarred and hurt will be reclaimed and washed over by the white snow of His all-knowing wisdom and healing.
This hope that we have is not just for the cosmos, the universe, the world as a whole and the universal community of humanity. This hope is the life of each and every one of us, the individuals that make up the community, because God sees you and me and His vision cuts deep into the recesses of our being with a knowing that knows us like the back of His hand. And in this hope we believe that there will be a time beyond time when all our hopes and fears and dreams and desires will be fulfilled, and that the world we live in will be one of peace in ourselves, with each other, with God, with the new earth and the new heaven.
This hope is meant to burn in my being, deep in my soul, to set me alight with the fire of the Spirit that sears me to His glorious touch. But right now it feels far away, and I find myself in this place, desperately asking the question.
I pray for all of you that it would be our greatest and ultimate hope.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
3 months
3 months til the big day, and I find myself here in this place, tired. Long distance is a sucker, everyone knows that. I find myself drained. Spent a weekend and bank holiday Monday with Dave, and was hit really hard again on the train journey back to Bristol. I really miss my fiance. And long distance really does suck.
We have a lot lined up for us in our separate lives these next three months, but I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually willing for them to be over in the blink of an eye. I am sure every couple feels this when they are in the engagement limbo, but truth be told it really is indescribably rubbish being apart and having to juggle the stresses of life and preparation for marriage when it is difficult negotiating time to spend quality time together. There are things that have been good for us to learn - communication, appreciating time together, developing as individuals as well as a couple, etc. But I feel that at this juncture in our relationship and engagement, all we want - need?- to do is be together. We miss each other so much. It really sucks.
Ah, a blogpost whiny and negative as ever. I apologise. I am just tired, and just thinking of the weekends lined up and things I have to do drains me. I am running 10k on Sunday and have literally no idea how I am going to get out of it alive (my training has been lax and I really am not an athletic person). And generally the days can feel empty when your heart is somewhere else. Life can feel such a downer sometimes.
There. A bit (or rather a lot) of honesty for my illusory readers out there. If you are reading this, I am sorry! Go after this and do something that will make you feel good...
We have a lot lined up for us in our separate lives these next three months, but I am mentally, emotionally and spiritually willing for them to be over in the blink of an eye. I am sure every couple feels this when they are in the engagement limbo, but truth be told it really is indescribably rubbish being apart and having to juggle the stresses of life and preparation for marriage when it is difficult negotiating time to spend quality time together. There are things that have been good for us to learn - communication, appreciating time together, developing as individuals as well as a couple, etc. But I feel that at this juncture in our relationship and engagement, all we want - need?- to do is be together. We miss each other so much. It really sucks.
Ah, a blogpost whiny and negative as ever. I apologise. I am just tired, and just thinking of the weekends lined up and things I have to do drains me. I am running 10k on Sunday and have literally no idea how I am going to get out of it alive (my training has been lax and I really am not an athletic person). And generally the days can feel empty when your heart is somewhere else. Life can feel such a downer sometimes.
There. A bit (or rather a lot) of honesty for my illusory readers out there. If you are reading this, I am sorry! Go after this and do something that will make you feel good...
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)